When And How To Contact Your Ex To Get Them Back

If you’re currently experiencing a period of limited or no contact with your ex-significant other, you are well aware of how much that feeling sucks. The absolute silence that sneaks in to replace the arguing, fighting and conflict of a breakup often feels worse than the breakup itself. All of your instincts are screaming at you to reach out and try to re-establish contact – any kind of contact at all. You think that even fighting would be better than nothing, but you’re wrong.

If you give in to your instincts and pick up the phone or send that text or email, all the things that have been accomplished so far in your no-contact period are easily undone. If you dial that number, you’re physically inhibiting your chances of successfully reconnecting with that person in a romantic way. You’re simply reinforcing your ex’s belief that they have you where they want you, and you’re making the reconciliation process even more difficult.

Why Is No Contact So Effective?

There’s a reason that sticking to a strict policy of avoiding contact with an ex works so well, and there’s also a reason that it is so hard to pull off. The common misconception is that if you vanish from your ex’s life completely, they’ll forget all about you even quicker and you’ll never be able to get them back.

The reality is much different than this common belief. The more you chase after your ex and the more you try to pursue them to change their minds, the less likely they are to consider what you’re saying. If you remain a constant presence in their lives even after a breakup, they have no reason to think of you, miss your or need you. You’re always there.

Think about when you’ve missed someone the most. You may have had a friend move out of town, or one of your close friends went on a long vacation. Chances are that you’ve missed that person because it’s been a significant period since you’ve spent time together. Relationships are the same way, even if you and your ex have broken up. Giving them time to adjust to the breakup and giving them a respectful amount of space, does more to increase your chances of getting them back than almost any other option. Hounding them for a second chance, however, is simply pulling your opportunity out from under yourself.


Your ex may have said a lot of hurtful or mean spirited things to you while the breakup was going on or maybe even a short time afterward. But you’d be wrong to think that the things they said in the heat of the moment mean that they’re not thinking of you or missing you now. Most breakups tend to happen with a backup safety net in place. The person that breaks up with their partner expects that leaving that person doesn’t mean that they’ll be gone for good.

In other words, they don’t expect the actual breakup to be the end of all contact entirely. They expect the two of you to sort of fade over time, until they’re okay with completely letting go and they’re truly ready to move on. This gives them a cushion of comfort and security that they believe will stick as long as they want it to. They don’t have to rush out and find a replacement for you immediately – they think that by letting go slowly they have the option to get you back if things do not go according to plan. You may hear from your ex periodically. Maybe you got the “we’re better off as friends” speech, or you’re still connected via social media sites like Facebook. This is a classic example of a gradual distancing approach.

Maybe you haven’t heard a peep from your ex since they walked out of the door during the breakup. That’s okay. It still doesn’t mean that they’re over you completely and that all of their feelings for you are gone. If you take off now and back off completely, the feelings that they do have will once again come to light and make your ex start considering you again. A sudden disconnection between two people that were formerly close creates a void for both parties, and that absence will need to be filled with something.

Wanting What You Can’t Have Is Human Nature

The way the mind works is often a funny thing. People chase after things endlessly only to realize that once they’ve caught the object of their desire, it is no longer as appealing to them. Conversely, if you’re told that you simply cannot have something or that it’s out of reach, it’s immediately what you desire more than anything else.

Enforcing (and maintaining) a no-contact policy at this stage of your breakup uses this bit of human psychology to the fullest and tips the ball in your favor. As soon as you’re gone from sight, your ex will start thinking about you again. This doesn’t mean that they’ll instantly be receptive to the possibility of getting back together but it is a step in the right direction. They’ll start questioning themselves and wondering if you’re still available as an option rather than assuming that you always would be.

Use This Psychological Knowledge To Your Advantage!

Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it makes the imagination grow crazy. All of a sudden, your ex is confronted with their worst fears coming to life. They think that you’re over them while they’re still at home thinking about you. They think that you’ve given up trying to get them back because you simply no longer want them. Maybe you’ve even managed to start dating someone new and they haven’t even left the house yet. The possibility of being replaced with a new interest that may surpass them in any way, will be practically unbearable.

The human mind plays tricks on itself. It rarely imagines positive things – your ex will never once consider the fact that you’re doing this to try and get them to take you back. They’ll automatically think the worst possible things in regards to themselves. It will be a serious blow to their self-confidence if they know that you’re moving on and having a good time. They’re looking for reasons to believe that leaving you was a smart move – and they’re finding the opposite to be true. When you don’t give them these reasons to justify their decision, it puts them on shaky ground and makes them feel vulnerable.

In order for this trick of psychology to be effective, however, it must be complete. Complete lack of communication requires a lot of self-control – even when it’s difficult. You can’t randomly text them in the middle of the night because you miss them. You can’t banter back and forth via work email or instant messenger about your days. You have to go completely without contact, even if you have a good excuse for why you just need to pick up that phone right now. Forget the pair of shoes that are sitting on their front porch. Let it go. This is the best chance you have of rekindling your relationship. Blowing it over something stupid simply isn’t worth it.

The Waiting Period – The Importance Of Keeping Busy

Avoiding contact with your ex doesn’t mean you get to sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and watch the paint dry. You can’t win anyone back by not taking action. There’s plenty to keep yourself occupied with during this phase of the plan. This is the time to spoil yourself rotten. Do all those things that you couldn’t enjoy whilst being in a couple. Explore your own personal interests, take a holiday, pick up a new holiday. Even if it is something simple, you deserve all of the pleasure that you can get right now, you have just been through a tough break up.

Try focusing on yourself and examine what went wrong in your relationship. Be honest and forthcoming about things that you could have done differently or other things that may need to be improved. Not addressing these issues is the best way to repeat them and find yourself back in this position all over again. The relationship problems that led to your breakup need to be corrected before getting back together is a viable option for either of you.

How Long Should No Contact Last?

Planning your moves carefully is vital to your success. If you move too quickly, you’ll scare them away and they’ll run in the opposite direction. If you wait too long, they may have found a way to move past their previous relationship and are ready to find a new start – with someone else. The no-contact policy isn’t just hard on you – it’s hard on your ex as well. Keep that in mind every time you reach for the phone. Stick to your guns, and you’ll be glad that you did.

A no-contact policy obviously can’t continue indefinitely if you want to get your ex back again. You need to examine the entire situation as a whole and plan your moves carefully in order to have the best outcome. Think of the entire process as a timeline, and move yourself along accordingly.

You should have stopped all communication with your ex immediately after the breakup took place. Mourning a relationship is not an instantaneous process, so the first week or so following your breakup was probably particularly difficult – especially if you were sticking to a no-contact policy completely. About a week after the breakup occurred, you should have shifted the attention from your ex to yourself. You should be working actively to improve areas about yourself that contributed to the breakup and led to your current situation.

Within a month, you should be confident enough to feel separated from the “us” that you were within your relationship and be okay with just being you. You can start an additional phase at this point that can utilize jealousy as a tool that can get your ex’s attention back.

A month to a month and a half after your breakup you should be well on your way to moving past your difficult period and you’re ready to start over. The people closest to you will get the impression that even though the breakup took a lot out of you; you’re fully ready to move on. More importantly, your ex will get that impression as well.

By the two month mark, you are ready to jump back on the bandwagon with both feet. You’re ready to reestablish contact – if you haven’t already heard from your ex by this point. And if you’ve followed this timeline successfully, it’s highly likely that they’ve already taken that step for you. While a month to two months may sound like an incredibly long period of time, it’s certainly in your best interest. It allows both of you the time to cool down and focus on some imperative changes that need to be made in order to consider getting back together a viable option.

Perfect Timing – Reach Out When They Miss You The Most

You never miss someone that’s never gone. How could you? As previously discussed, in order for your ex to begin the process of recognizing that they miss you, you have to be absent from the equation. This is not a simple 48 hour process – it takes some time.

Most breakups come with a friendship clause or an additional way to keep in touch – maybe via email or Facebook. If they’ve avoided making contact with you completely, they’re still keeping an eye on you. They’ve just learned to be more subtle about it than most. The benefits of removing yourself from their field of vision completely have already been discussed. They aren’t granted the luxury of moving at their own pace while keeping you safely at arm’s length. They won’t be able to keep an eye on you as easily as they may have expected. Stepping away from their sight and doing your own thing will enhance their need for you and make them miss you a million times more than they otherwise would.

You’re creating a gigantic gap in their lives that they were not expecting. They decided to end the relationship, but they weren’t ready to completely let go. You snatched their opportunity to keep some part of you around away from them, and they weren’t expecting you to behave that way. You’re giving them the breakup they wanted, but you’re doing it on your terms. Not only will this make them rethink their position, but it will also set you in a much more attractive light. If you can wait a significant amount of time before reaching out, your ex will be going crazy with curiosity – and that makes calling them at this point so effective in winning them back.

What Is The Right Time?

A sufficient waiting period isn’t the only factor to consider when it comes to timing. The time you call during the day/evening is important too. It’s easy to just make the decision to make contact again only to find that you’ve reached them at an awkward or inconvenient time – and that makes your call go instantly downhill in the wrong direction.

Try to keep your ex’s schedule in mind. You used to know where they were at all times, so use that to your advantage. If you know that they always go over to their friend’s house after work, don’t call while they’re there. You won’t get a chance to truly sit down and communicate if they’re put on the spot in front of other people, and the conversation may seem forced or hurried.

As tempting as it may be, reaching out while your ex is in the office is a no-no as well. Although you may know the ins and outs of their day better than they do, disturbing their work day is almost guaranteed to go badly. They won’t be able to open up to you sufficiently if they’re always on the lookout for a supervisor or coworker.

Calling before work or school also isn’t your best bet. Mornings can be a hectic or chaotic time and so many things need to be accomplished before rushing out the door. Having to deal with an unexpected phone call in the midst of everything else is unwelcome.

The best time of day to reach out to an ex is in the evening while they’re finally taking some time to themselves. The hectic pressure of a busy day has passed, and they’ve most likely already eaten their evening meal. It’s likely that the evening is when your ex is feeling their most alone or vulnerable and this will make them even more receptive to what you have to say.

Keep The Conversation Flowing

You didn’t go through all of this hard work for nothing, so why would you risk blowing it by thinking you can just pick up the phone and say whatever comes to mind? You need to have a plan in place before you start dialing that number – and it’s not time to do the happy dance just yet. If you think you can just play it by ear and go with the flow, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

You’re not the only one who feels butterflies right now. You haven’t spoken to your ex in quite some time, and they’re going to feel those nerves the same way you do. You’ve been on their mind – probably a lot more than they’d care to admit. Let them give you the third degree – that way you can avoid sticking your foot in your mouth and let them lead the course of the conversation.

Don’t discuss touchy subjects like the breakup or the new interest down the block that you find unbearably attractive. Prepare yourself for things they may say so you can keep your reactions to a minimum. This first initial step should be upbeat and pleasant for both of you. Have some fun with it and keep it simple.

There are certain things that you can say that can put this process in high gear. You can determine what they’re looking for and the things that they’re anxious to hear. Saying the right thing at the right moment can get your relationship back faster than you thought possible.

What’s Next? – The Text Your Ex Back System

Michael Fiore has designed and impressive Text Your Ex Back system designed around today’s alternative means of contact like texting and social media to improve conversation and enhance the connections between two people. Based in Seattle, Washington Michael Fiore has worked with many couples to reconnect and deepen relationships through unconventional means. He has appeared on many television shows to discuss his interesting and alternative perspectives and has provided valuable insight to many.

After going through a breakup, texting can become the tool necessary to reconnect with your ex. By knowing what to say, how to say it and when to send it, your chances of successfully reconnecting with an ex are vastly improved. This system teaches you step by step guides to enabling this process and using it to your advantage. Texting doesn’t have to be impersonal and emotionless. It can be a valuable asset to the reuniting process and take your relationship to the next level.

The 2.0 version of the program includes enhanced PDF, visual and audio components and countless bonus features that were not previously available. The program is available for download instantly on countless devices like ipod, ipad etc and can be immediately put to work to increase your chances of rekindling your romance and moving forward with your renewed relationship. The free introductory video will introduce the program and get you going in the right direction.